I am soooo going to Hell

I've been in charge of the office coffee fund for a long time now, probably for 7 years or so. Lately (actually ever since our satellite office merged with the Main Office three years ago) I've felt we've been steadily losing money, and recently we've really been in dire straits. We've barely been able to pay our supplier (we have a Keurig machine and I buy K-Cups in bulk from a local supplier), let alone buy creamer, sugar, etc.

In conjunction with the Keurig machine we also have a drip filter pot, so every morning I'll brew a pot of coffee then some time during the morning I'll make a second pot. The profit margin on the pot should be quite high, and when combined with the 25¢ profit margin per cup from the Keurig machine we should be practically swimming in money, but lately, after paying our supplier, I've barely had enough money to buy supplies so I've been using the Just In Time inventory method.

Today I brewed a pot of coffee and I noticed the tub was getting very low. Once again we have just enough money to pay our supplier with just enough left over to buy a couple of tubs of creamer & sugar, but not enough to shell out $10 for a new tub of Folgers. In my 7 years managing the coffee fund this is practically unheard of.

When our two offices merged I inherited all of the Main Office's coffee supplies, and this included two tins of Folgers Decaf, one of which was still sealed and had remained so until this very day.

As I prepared this morning's pot and noticed the coffee was getting low my first thought was "if it runs out it runs out, and that's it." But then I looked up at this green tin of Folgers Decaf that had been sitting on the shelf for 3 years, and then I looked at the almost empty tub of Folgers in my hands. Then I looked at the label and I saw the tub held (when full) 48oz of coffee. I looked at the label on the yet-to-be opened tin of decaf; it allegedly held 39oz of coffee. I looked at the small amount of coffee still remaining in the tub. Was it 8oz of coffee? Was it more? Or less? There was really only one way to find out.

In one of the drawers I found a can opener (thank Orion for well stocked break rooms) and I proceeded to open the tin of Decaf. While it had been sitting there for 3 years (and Lord only knows how long before the merge), it was still sealed, and that's sealed in a tin, mind you, not one of those foil bags. So I'm pretty sure that even though it's 3+ years old, it's still fresh...sort of. Sort of fresh, that is, not sort of sure. I'm sure it's sort of fresh. Or is that still the same thing as 'sort of sure it's fresh'?

The can opener didn't work properly and it seemed to take forever to get the tin open. Fortunately I start work at 6am and I'd got in early this morning so my chances of being interrupted mid-mission were slim to none. But there were a couple of other people that get in this early, and I'd already seen them walking to their desks as I'd made my way to the break room, and one of them usually meets me in the break room around this time...so come on, can opener! I finally got the tin open and began pouring the decaf into the tub. It all fit, just, but a couple of taps on the counter packed the grounds together and settled them down to a less-than-suspicious level. Then I buried the green decaf tin in one of the recycling bins, way down deep, under all the other cans & bottles. Mission accomplished!

Yesterday we were down to our last carton of sugar, we were completely out of creamer, and we were almost out of coffee. Last night I bought some more creamer & sugar but couldn't afford coffee (not if I wanted to pay our supplier).

Today we have sugar, creamer, and most importantly, we have coffee. Decaf still has some caffeine so it still counts as coffee. It does, too!

I've "pulled a Carol" and switched the office coffee to decaf.

I am soooo going to Hell.